#DBlogWeek Day 4: What brings me down

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and today I will discuss the emotional side of diabetes.

It's not pretty. 

It's heart wrenching. 

As a caregiver I can't tell you how many lost hours of sleep I have had.

• It may have been from being up all night keeping my daughters alive as their blood sugar is dropping lower or rising higher.
• It may be from an illness where vomiting, changing sheets, pushing insulin, hydrating, ketone chasing and wondering when the right time is to call the endocrinologist.
• It may be from the nights of what I like to call suicide watch. When your T1D loved one is so overcome with life that you worry that they will overdose on insulin. 
• It may be from the worry that fills me when overnights at friends happen and I don't know if her CGM alarm will wake her when she is low. 
• It may be the anger that fills me when my daughters have had to grow up years faster than what they should have and worry about what age they will die.
• Maybe it's a combination of all these things.

I'm sure to some on the outside this sounds dramatic. 

Maybe it is. 

But maybe it is spot on. 

Instead of losing my mind...although some might argue that point...I choose to find things that lift me up. Things that help me work through the stress of having kids with chronic illness. That is why I write. That is why I volunteer. That is why I run. That is why I advocate. 

Diabetes is draining. To me...and I'm just the caregiver. 

I've seen how it affects my girls. 

I would gladly take it away from them so they could be carefree if I could. 

No one signs up to be a pseudo-pancreas. It's thrown at us. We have no choice. It's do or die. I have no medical degree. But I have a Momma Bear heart with a passion and fierceness that will kick ass for my kids and my family.  

To those on the outside reading this...you have no idea the burden we carry. That smile that we have painted on our faces helps us get through the day. Give us a hug. Give us an ear. Give us compassion. 

For those deep within the community...you AREN'T alone. It may feel like it but you aren't. Surround yourself with people or things that soothe and calm you. 

You got this.